Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Child-like faith
I was lying in bed last night thinking about all the things in my life, which I’m not very proud of, and there’s a lot. There are things I’ve done which clearly go against God’s word, and yet did that stop me? No, I still did those things, knowing full well what I was doing, but I tried to convince myself it was ok. I struggle to believe that God can forgive me for these things, but what I find the hardest is the fact that I’ve not just let myself down but I’ve let down those who I was trying so hard to set an example to. I had high standards, and I was proud of them, I was going to uphold them, and I did, but bit by bit I gave into temptation, until I was just the opposite of what I wanted to be. I felt, and still do feel, very much a hypocrite. I told my friends I wouldn’t do these things, I don’t believe it’s right, and yet when it came to the crunch, I failed.
Some of my failings are very personal but others are known by my friends. Although I’m ashamed, I’m not going to lie to them. The last thing I want is for me to set them the wrong example, but on the other hand, I’m very far from perfect, and I don’t want them to believe that Christian people are perfect, ‘cause we’re not! I don’t want them to believe that being a Christian is a breeze, ‘cause it really ain’t!! The pressure’s on, bit time! I want my friends to know the real me, I refuse to put up a front, I really see no gain in that at all.
I’ve failed in so many ways, and as a result, the confidence I had in my ability to fight temptation has taken some serious knocks. If I find myself tempted, I doubt my strength to cope, and so give up before I’ve even begun. But last night I was talking this through with God and well I began to wonder if recently, I’ve placed too much focus on keeping up high standards in order to get right with God, when what I really need to do is just be with God and then the other things in my life can be dealt with. I feel a lot of the time when I am faced with temptation, and I succumb, I’ve pushed myself that little bit further away from God, and instead of going straight to Him, I push myself away until I feel a little more worthy, which I stupid, because I’m never gonna feel worthy enough, hence forth I’m never gonna get up close with God, ‘cause I’ll never let myself.
I find it easy to say all these things, but to actually do something about it is another thing. How do I approach God when I feel so unworthy? How do I know I’m truly forgiven? It takes child-like faith.
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Some of my failings are very personal but others are known by my friends. Although I’m ashamed, I’m not going to lie to them. The last thing I want is for me to set them the wrong example, but on the other hand, I’m very far from perfect, and I don’t want them to believe that Christian people are perfect, ‘cause we’re not! I don’t want them to believe that being a Christian is a breeze, ‘cause it really ain’t!! The pressure’s on, bit time! I want my friends to know the real me, I refuse to put up a front, I really see no gain in that at all.
I’ve failed in so many ways, and as a result, the confidence I had in my ability to fight temptation has taken some serious knocks. If I find myself tempted, I doubt my strength to cope, and so give up before I’ve even begun. But last night I was talking this through with God and well I began to wonder if recently, I’ve placed too much focus on keeping up high standards in order to get right with God, when what I really need to do is just be with God and then the other things in my life can be dealt with. I feel a lot of the time when I am faced with temptation, and I succumb, I’ve pushed myself that little bit further away from God, and instead of going straight to Him, I push myself away until I feel a little more worthy, which I stupid, because I’m never gonna feel worthy enough, hence forth I’m never gonna get up close with God, ‘cause I’ll never let myself.
I find it easy to say all these things, but to actually do something about it is another thing. How do I approach God when I feel so unworthy? How do I know I’m truly forgiven? It takes child-like faith.
